A Bold Move

Writing this in quite a raw state of mind so please forgive the potty mouth title. This blog has already been a huge cathartic outlet for the feelings I’ve encountered whilst moving cities. I’ve had countless bouts of loneliness that I just flit over like it’s nothing because in true Arabella from I May Destroy you style ,Not everyone has a smartphone, not everyone has a smartphone. (If you’ve not watched this programme yet, watch it. It’s incredible) Well truth be told it’s something.

It’s shit. It’s not ideal. It’s grim. It feels unfair. It feels embarrassing.

I’ve just got off the phone with me Mum. I just needed to hear the voice of a person that loves me say ‘hiya love, you ok?’ The kind of conversation starter that melts you to the ground in tears because you’ve held yourself together with ‘I’m good thanks‘ for however long. I’m quite aware that many people move around and absolutely smash everything, they nail the job, they’ve got a cousins mate who already lives there who invites them to the pub, work pals are decent humans and perhaps their love life is also top dollar. Now I hope I’m not sounding like a stuck record here, but as I’ve spoke about before, my experiences have been quite the opposite and it feels like I’ve had to pick myself up a lot. And the fact of the matter is that I will continue to have to do that because shit days are just that, days. Plural. They come and they go, sure, but what do we do when they come? Well I can tell you what I do when I feel like I’ve been whacked across the head with the lonely stick. I sometimes lie about it. And other times I ring me mum. Other times I just sit and wish I had a dog. Today I went for calling me Mum. She’s good at listening, and talking…. 😂. Don’t get me wrong , I’m not saying that you shouldn’t move because you’ll get lonely sometimes. You might not! But I am saying that I have, and unfortunately I have felt this expectation to be at my peak of social- butterflyness in my 20s for a few years and it’s shit because it makes you feel like having no plans means you’re a loser or that you need to get some QUICK or else you’ll never have any ever.

I also think that working in a job that has been remote based since I started it last September has had a significant affect on these bouts of feeling alone. Because I haven’t been going to after work drinks or the mid-week social. I haven’t had lol’s at lunch because I’ve been on my one in my kitchen hoping podcasts will feel like background chatter. I appreciate that having a job in the first place is blessing but I think what I’m trying to get at here is, if you move somewhere new, unless you’re completely sure it’s for you, don’t get a full WFH job. It’s got great perks for many people but not for this gal. I’m gonna say it. I’m a people person.

Obviously lockdown totally halted the idea of even trying to make new mates down here let alone the action of going to meet someone, and of course now people are more cautious about what they are up to and who they are seeing etc . I’m not sure if any of this is ringing true for anyone but thought it was a good idea to share the shittier times and just say it’s okay to need to be around people just as much as it is to need some space. I think my issue of late is that I’ve not found the balance. I’ll go from having a chocca weekend and barely look at my phone because I’m so busy, to then being allocated a random Wednesday off and not seeing or speaking to a soul all day because anyone I know down here is rocking a 9-5 Mon to Fri. Going from one extreme to the other ain’t good for the soul.

Another learning curve has been that for so long I’ve been really confident in how I feel about enjoying my own company and being alone and doing things alone that subconsciously I’ve created this worry that I have to keep embracing it when I actually don’t. Reaching out to someone and saying ‘ here, I’m fuckin bored and I’m sick of the sight of myself, want to do something soon?’ is a reasonable request and you don’t need to soldier on alone on the days it feels the hardest. I mean, manage expectations sure, not everyone is going to be free at the drop of a hat, but unless you pipe up to say you’re feeling a type of way, there is a strong chance people won’t know.

Big love to anyone that’s read this and felt similar. Keep goin’, can’t get the sun without the rain and all that…🙌

P.S – I have created an instagram account to help promote the blog. The handle is @aboldm0ve if you want to take a peek!